Learning to Speak (Arabic) Takes Time

Okay folks, here's the truth.

Sometimes, I'm not as eloquent and as well spoken as I like to admit.

Actually, at other times, I am downright tongue tied and confusing to listen to (sorry!!).

At still other moments, I am just plain incoherent in my rambling (you know the moments...where I KNOW I started with a point-something logical, even important, to say-but and in the short instant it takes to get from thought to articulated word, everything gets to be all-a-jumbled in my speaking. AND when I try desperately to recover, to say something brilliant and witty to cover up for my flub, it all gets even more confusing and then, much to everyone's relief, I eventually sputter to a stop and take a breath (sorry, sorry, sorry!!).

Yup, sounds like me (but this doesn't happen too terribly often!).

I pride myself on knowing how to express myself well, both verbally and in writing. Good communication is one of my deepest values, and I like to know that my thoughts are expressed clearly. However, there are moments where that is just beyond me~maybe I'm being silly when I'm supposed to be serious; perhaps I'm rather stressed out or emotional; or, and this is typically the case, I'm too tired to think straight and all of my finely-tuned communication skills have abandoned me in a quest for a nap.

And mind you, that's when I'm speaking English, my friends.

Arabic is a whole other deal.

My first few months here, I was completely illiterate for the first time since I was a very small child.

Illiterate as in, absolutely-for-the-life-of-me-could-not-even-sound-out-the-words-on-the-shop-signs-because-Arabic-uses-a-completely-different-alphabet.

All I could see were squiggles and dots, keys to this beautiful language that was greeting me around every corner. Shway, shway (remember?! slowly slowly), I began to be able to understand what I was hearing around me, and even offer a few phrases in return. My ability to converse and interact with my surroundings was returning to me. Now, nearly 5 months in, I am semi-confident with my far from perfect grammar, decidedly limited conversation topics (I can talk about what to drink, buy fruits & veggies, tell you what I'm wearing, name the colors, direct a taxi, ask the price of something, count, describe where I'm from, where I work, where I live, and say basic greetings...), but only recently have I begun to understand those mysterious symbols that make up the written languages.

***And when I say begin, folks, I really mean, begin. As in, sounding out words slowly, painfully, carefully...only to discover that I've only matched 3/4 (usually less, boo) of the correct sounds to their corresponding letters. Phew. It's SUCH a process!

So if you pair the part of me that likes to express myself with words and communicate well with a rather illiterate and vocabulary-less me, you have quite a paradox, an oxymoron, if you will. I am often stuck in my conversations with people. I am pretty good at convincing people (taxi drivers and other people I interact with for less than 2 minutes, that is) that I speak Arabic, but if the conversation gets beyond a certain point (like, beyond small talk or approaching a topic of any real substance or significance), I'm lost. AND if you ask me to write words, or to sound out the letters in front of me (particularly if I'm tired; see above description of my deterioration into incoherence), there's a good chance that I'll get frustrated, teary or both.

I'm not used to being illiterate. I am not used to having a frighteningly limited vocabulary. I am frustrated by both of those realities, because:

LEARNING TAKES TIME
(and sometimes I'm not the most patient girl in the world).

And so I practice. I ask an absurd amount of questions, I rejoice when I understand the flurry of words around me, I sound out words on signs (first triumphant, then dejected when I realize that there's NO WAY that it says what I thought it said just a minute ago), and I try.

I try really, really hard.
And I'm going to continue trying really, really hard, because communication matters.
Because I want to have a real conversation with someone in Arabic someday (sooner, rather than later, insha'allah!).
Because I want to speak & to read & to write.

Back to studying I go!

Stars

"Home, they say, is where your dreams live. And despite my doubts about the journey I have begun, I know that, for me, there is no better name for this country that has enchanted me for so long. Tonight, with glaciated granite underfoot and stars overhead, I am home."   -Paddle Whispers

This passage speaks of home--specifically, it is describing my home, the great Northwoods of Minnesota. Yet, as I've read these words over and over these past few days, these words not only remind me of where I have come from, but also where I have been, and more so than anything, where I am, right now.

It is January. A new year. I am truly in the midst of a dream that I have dreamed for all of my young adult life: living a YAGM year. Listening, learning, living, daring to jump in, build relationships, and pursue my love for and passion for this vast, complicated world that we are all a part of. Sometimes, throughout the course of my life here in Beit Jala, I find that days are simply just life; ordinary, routine, normal. And sometimes, I find myself feeling guilty about that--as though I must not be doing enough, as though I'm not living up to this dream that I have dreamed for so long. Yet there is such beauty in ordinary life, in simple joys, in familiar rhythms.

This adventure, this journey looks far different than what I had dreamed of for so long. Throughout the past months, there have been moments of questions and uncertainty mixed in with the awe, wonder, and beauty that has filled my days. But here, in this place, is where my dreams dwell; I didn't know that I needed this place, these people, and this pace of life prior to arriving here. I had no idea that this place would get under my skin and into my heart in such an intimate and beautiful way, more than I could have ever imagined.

Here is the place that my dreams fill and become my life. Days filled with questions, conversations, quiet moments and new friendships are more valuable than words can begin to articulate. Though there is so much mystery and mystique to this place, so much I do not know, so much I will never fully understand, this place has enchanted me, captivated my heart and my mind in a way that no other place has ever done before.

Surrounded by the living stones that speak stories and breathe life into this Holy and broken land, with the same stars that shine in the Northwoods of Minnesota overhead, casting light over loved ones near and far, and over all the homes that have captured my heart & provided space to rest, question-ask, and be; here in this place and in this moment, I am home.

***Special love and prayers to all of my Trinity Friends in Faith. As I remember the stars, I know that we are connected in this great and beautiful world, even though we are far apart. I miss you very much and hope you all remember how much you have inspired and taught me. Peace & love.