Most of these transitions and changes have been long anticipated and well-planned for. The funny thing is though, that doesn't make them any easier once they arrive. In preparing to embark on a year of service in Jerusalem & the West Bank, I have been overwhelmed with gratitude at this beautiful opportunity. Those who know me best know that I have been eagerly awaiting the opportunity to serve through Young Adults in Global Mission for years. There has been no question that this is a program I am drawn to, called to, blessed to be a part of. And yet...as the reality of it all sets in, the excitement remains, even as some of the tough realities set in: goodbyes. Those darn endings. The hard stuff. Yikes.
As I've reflected on this, it seems to me that despite my planning, my deep desires to be pragmatic, logical and reasonable about what my summer was going to look like and how I would be preparing for my YAGM year, I failed to acknowledge that life happens. I recently heard Nadia Bolz-Weber speak at the National Youth Gathering in New Orleans. She expressed a similar sentiment when she spoke of how she experienced the sense that in the midst of her plans, God plucked her up, looked at her and said "That's hilarious" and set her back on her way, along a completely unexpected journey. So many things have happened this summer that were not part of the plan. I am better because of those very things, despite my resistance and slight panic that often emerges in my type A brain when life deviates from my plan. Silly, silly me.
The thing about being a planner is that I think I know it all...and I don't. Surprise, surprise. Coming into summer, I thought I knew what I was doing, who I needed in my life to process and prepare. In reality though, the people who have walked into my life have surprised me in infinite ways. I could have never imagined how rich and beautiful life was going to be this summer, because I had a plan that failed to account for the way that life seems to work. I'm ever grateful that my plan is not the reality.
I am a person who loves deeply and who doesn't say goodbye well. I embrace the opportunity of all the hellos that await me in the year ahead, but it is in these next weeks and days of holding dear ones close, clinging to the minute joys that fill days at camp in Northern Minnesota, laughing with my girlfriends and my extra limb, that I find myself questioning the very logic that is my plan. I mean, really, why in the world would I willingly jump on a plane for a year, leaving my friends and family behind, all to do something that is quite vague and decidedly out of my comfort zone?! I must be CRAZY!!! It is these same people though, those who have walked with me through my discernment and application, through my preparations and those who will accompany me along my journey that remind me why I need to go. Of how my heart longs to serve and learn and listen. And for those people, I am infinitely grateful.
Saying goodbye is still going to be impossible. Can't think about that. What I can think about is how thankful I am to have so many people I love and who love me. What an awesome thing it is to have so many difficult goodbyes?! I am so blessed with beautiful communities. These people laugh with me when I find myself along an unexpected, and decidedly un-planned path. And so here we go. I do not walk alone.
So here's to embracing the chaos that is the next few weeks of my life. What I do know is that there will be deep joy, laughter, love and adventure to be had in the coming days. I also know that tears and impossible "see you laters" will punctuate that joy, not necessarily because I'm grieving, but because I have so many relationships, moments and blessings to celebrate and give thanks for-the planned and the unplanned alike.
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