"But That's Not Part of the Plan!"

Endings. Beginnings. Hellos. Goodbyes. Tears, laughter, hugs, gratitude, and more love than can be expressed has filled my days.

Most of these transitions and changes have been long anticipated and well-planned for. The funny thing is though, that doesn't make them any easier once they arrive. In preparing to embark on a year of service in Jerusalem & the West Bank, I have been overwhelmed with gratitude at this beautiful opportunity. Those who know me best know that I have been eagerly awaiting the opportunity to serve through Young Adults in Global Mission for years. There has been no question that this is a program I am drawn to, called to, blessed to be a part of. And yet...as the reality of it all sets in, the excitement remains, even as some of the tough realities set in: goodbyes. Those darn endings. The hard stuff. Yikes.

As I've reflected on this, it seems to me that despite my planning, my deep desires to be pragmatic, logical and reasonable about what my summer was going to look like and how I would be preparing for my YAGM year, I failed to acknowledge that life happens. I recently heard Nadia Bolz-Weber speak at the National Youth Gathering in New Orleans. She expressed a similar sentiment when she spoke of how she experienced the sense that in the midst of her plans, God plucked her up, looked at her and said "That's hilarious" and set her back on her way, along a completely unexpected journey. So many things have happened this summer that were not part of the plan. I am better because of those very things, despite my resistance and slight panic that often emerges in my type A brain when life deviates from my plan. Silly, silly me.

The thing about being a planner is that I think I know it all...and I don't. Surprise, surprise. Coming into summer, I thought I knew what I was doing, who I needed in my life to process and prepare. In reality though, the people who have walked into my life have surprised me in infinite ways. I could have never imagined how rich and beautiful life was going to be this summer, because I had a plan that failed to account for the way that life seems to work. I'm ever grateful that my plan is not the reality.

I am a person who loves deeply and who doesn't say goodbye well. I embrace the opportunity of all the hellos that await me in the year ahead, but it is in these next weeks and days of holding dear ones close, clinging to the minute joys that fill days at camp in Northern Minnesota, laughing with my girlfriends and my extra limb, that I find myself questioning the very logic that is my plan. I mean, really, why in the world would I willingly jump on a plane for a year, leaving my friends and family behind, all to do something that is quite vague and decidedly out of my comfort zone?! I must be CRAZY!!!  It is these same people though, those who have walked with me through my discernment and application, through my preparations and those who will accompany me along my journey that remind me why I need to go. Of how my heart longs to serve and learn and listen. And for those people, I am infinitely grateful.

Saying goodbye is still going to be impossible. Can't think about that. What I can think about is how thankful I am to have so many people I love and who love me. What an awesome thing it is to have so many difficult goodbyes?! I am so blessed with beautiful communities. These people laugh with me when I find myself along an unexpected, and decidedly un-planned path. And so here we go. I do not walk alone.

So here's to embracing the chaos that is the next few weeks of my life. What I do know is that there will be deep joy, laughter, love and adventure to be had in the coming days. I also know that tears and impossible "see you laters" will punctuate that joy, not necessarily because I'm grieving, but because I have so many relationships, moments and blessings to celebrate and give thanks for-the planned and the unplanned alike.  

It's Great To Be Alive...

Summer 2012 has begun!
I have found myself in God's Great Northwoods once again....living in community, preparing for campers, playing guitar, laughing, singing, making new friends....life is good!
There's something about living in community: we hold each other accountable, we learn from one another, we help each other out. It is a truly wonderful thing.
A week or so ago, as I was preparing for camp, I was a little uncertain as to if it was wise to scamper off to the woods again-after all, just three days after camp ends, I'll find myself embarking on a very different sort of adventure. Yet, despite any uncertainties, worry or doubt, it took mere minutes to know that I am home for the summer. Good friends, saunas, a canoe trip, lots of great conversation have filled the last six days. Campers come in a week--how crazy is that!? I'm thrilled and like any other beginning, a little bit nervous about how everything will go. But camp is a good, good place to be!
Over and over again, I have been amazed at how the Spirit has been moving in this place. Our staff is positive, encouraging, and joyful. We are well fed, surrounded by love and care as we struggle with theological questions, discuss policies & procedures, and countless other things. In the past six days, we have come together in  a beautiful way~what a blessing!
I know I'm in the right place. These sites have been home for years and years. These are wise and inspiring people who will fill me up and help me prepare for the adventures ahead! Our road will be shared as we greet campers, play and pray together, share our stories and celebrate together throughout the next 3 months.
These are the people I need to be with.
The sounds of loon calls, laughter, water and guitars fill my days.
The presence of God is evident and life giving.
It's Great to Be Alive in God's Great Northwoods!

Beginnings, Endings, and Crossing the Street.

Beginnings.
Every beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
Or so they say.

I guess that it's true from my vantage point. I am living into the intersection of a multitude of beginnings and endings. An intersection where green not only means "GO" but also, "Pause and hug your friends, soak in the moment and still get across the street before oncoming traffic sweeps you away!!" and red doesn't actually ever happen on your street because life just keeps happening--no "STOP" to be found. An exciting, busy intersection, yes. An overwhelming and all-consuming crossroads of a life as well.

In theory, I am at a point of many beginnings: the life of a Concordia College alumni, a new summer in God's Great Northwoods, my journey with YAGM is just beginning--my whole life stretches out before me, just waiting to be begun. Who knows what lies ahead!? All sorts of micro beginnings lie within these macro beginnings, just brimming with potential and promise!

Truthfully though, I am also in a point of endings. Saying goodbye to the title and security of being a college student. Bidding farewell to some of the most incredible vocations-not even jobs-that I could have asked for: my work at Trinity is drawing to a close, I only have two more nights at the dance studio. In the midst of all of my endings, many of my friends are saying goodbyes and beginning the process of moving on to new countries, vocations, and chapters of their lives. And part of that involves saying goodbyes (hopefully very, very temporary goodbyes) to one another. Those endings, the relationships, are what are hardest of all....

So we begin here, tentatively crossing the street, looking both ways. As all of the newness rushes in, I am relishing in the familiar things. Looking back at what has been: I'm blessed to have snagged a few days at home, will spend oodles of time at Camp Hiawatha where I've spent every summer I can remember, and have spent a great deal of time surrounded by my dearest friends and my "extra limb," however brief and fleeting that time may have been. And looking toward what will be, and anticipating the newness, I am finding myself more and more excited. Energized. Inspired. There is so much to look forward to! So much to be grateful for. So, so much.

Alumni, camp staff, YAGM, friend, daughter, sister, dancer.
Many titles, some new, some old: all me, bravely (timidly, cautiously....) crossing the street.
And all I can do is be.